Thursday, May 26, 2011

There's a reason that we live so far from Hollywood.

I was driving home from St. George (for the summer) when this song came on my Iphone. I have so much music on there that I haven't even heard some of it yet, but it struck me so hard that I had to play it again. I swear sometimes these people write songs just for me.
Nobody really knows what's in store for them. Things change in the blink of an eye, but do people really change? I don't really know the answer. Probably never will. It's just a really empowering thing to realize that you are the one that gets to write your future. People may influence you as they walk in and out of your life, but at the end of the day nobody else has the power to make you go any direction that you don't choose. This is the only life that you have. There's only one story that you get to write.

Make it worth reading.

At 17 she left Long Island
bound for Hollywood
Another story like the ones
you've heard before
He left her broken like you figured, 
like you knew he would
She shut her heart after his
ring rang off the door

It's the story of your life
you're tearing out the page
New chapter underway
The story of your life
You live it everyday
You can run, you run
But you won't get away
I don't know what's coming up
Where will you go now?
it's the story of your life

She hit the ground
She built a fine career
Every weekend walked her
dog beside the sea
In the salt she met a man who
knew at once but wait
Is he the one we need him to be?

In the story your life
you're moving down the page
As the words begin to change
The story of your life
You live it everyday
You can run, you run
But you won't get away
I don't know what's coming up
Where will you go now
it's the story of your life

Look around look around and
the world will find you

there's a reason that we live
so far from Hollywood
In the country looking hard to find a home
We're nothing perfect
All considered
But we're so damn good

It's the story of your life
you're moving down the page
And you know you're on your way
The story of your life
You live it everyday
You can run, you run
But you won't get away
No one knows what's coming up
Where will you go now
it's the story
it's your story's the story of your life :]

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

i'm working overtime, i'm gonna make it anyway.

I've spent the last month and a half hiding inside of myself. 
It's not the easiest thing to explain, but for the sake of this blog, I'm going to try. 
I recognized for the first time how much my life has been an amplification of everyone else's life. I can't remember the last time that my life was about me, sincerely. Maybe it shouldn't be about me. Everyone always says that you find yourself when you lose yourself in the service of others, right? Recently, I've been wondering just what the cost of that "service" might have been.
As many of you know, I didn't finish out the spring semester at Dixie. I found myself overwhelmed be countless circumstances and simply couldn't make myself do it. It's hilarious to me how many repercussions I've received from people I hardly know in regards to that singular decision.
Then I decided that I was moving home, without a shadow of a doubt as soon as I could manage it. I spent retarded amounts of money driving from St. George to American Fork atleast once every two weeks. It started out for the boy, and ended up for the family.
Family is the only thing in life that has any degree of permanence. Did you know that? I do, now. I've spent so much time thinking about my family and wishing that I was a bigger part of it than I can be from such a distance. 
Anyway, the point that I'm trying to reach is that sometimes you have to make a decision based solely on your own best interests. I've spent so much time thinking about things that are past. So much time dwelling on a boy that I haven't seen in almost a year. So much time trying to find someone to replace him. So much time trying tot fill a gap.
I think that it's time for me to spend some time doing something for me. Right now, I know that all that I want in the world is to spend some time with my family, and after that? I'll go where I want to go. Honestly, I think California is calling. Either way I think it's time to stick with whatever decision that I make.

This song embodies every conclusion that I've drawn in the last segment of my life. 
This is my justification in a change of path.
I'm tired of living with a hole in my heart. 

Shot in the Dark - Augustana

I had a reason for the life that was ahead of me
I had a reason, had a rhyme, had a destiny
I thought i knew where was heading
I would never look back

I had it all and then i went and let it slip away
I'm working overtime, I'm gonna make it anyway.
Sometimes you win, Sometimes you lose
Sometimes you never get her back

Rising up slowly, we're getting higher
I've been living with a hole in my heart
Weighing down on me, but I'm a fighter
Darlin' I've still got a shot in the dark
Baby, we've still got a shot in the dark

Sometimes in life you need the people that you think you trust.
Wake up one day to find that everything had turned to dust.
I always knew that you'd be waiting for me when I got back.

Keep rising up slowly and getting higher.
I been living with a hole in my heart
Weighing down on me, but I'm a fighter
Darlin' I've still got a shot in the dark
Baby, we've still got a shot in the dark

I'm gonna find a way
I'm gonna find a way
I'm gonna find a way

I have a reason for the life that's right in front of me
I've got a rhyme, got a reason, got a destiny
I know exactly where I'm headed
And I'm never looking back

Cause nothing's holding me back
Nope, nothing's holding me back...

...from rising up slowly and getting higher.
I've been living with a hole in my heart
Weighing down on me, but I'm a fighter
Darlin' I've still got a shot in the dark

Rising up slowly and getting higher.
I've been living with a hole in my heart
Weighing down on me, man but I'm a fighter
Darlin' I've still got a shot in the dark
Baby, we've still got a shot in the dark
I know that I've still got a shot.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

To Me, It Sounds Like They're Applauding Us For The Quiet Love We've Made

I let life take control of me for the last couple months, which is my excuse for not posting. Pathetic, I'm aware, but the blog figures in to my "metamorphosis implimentation apparatus," affectionately referred to as MIA, so hopefully I get better at it in the near future.
Lately I've been on a little bit of a folk/indie kick. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but the truth of the matter is that this music generally accompanies a slightly less bubbly version of myself. I might compare it to white-hot embers  instead of an open flame. Just as intense, but not nearly as asphyxiating to look at. I think my mood (like everything else in life) must just come and go in waves as well.
I've been telling people to listen to this song at every opportunity for the last couple weeks. I think that it's written better than almost anything I've ever heard in my life.  Most of the time, I feel like an artist either has a talent for the music itself, or for the poetry they put to the music, but very rarely do they have an equal inclination for both. Ray LaMontagne, in my experience, is one of the the few. 
The music in itself is written in such a dissonant way that you already feel the incompleteness of the song before you ever hear the lyrics. Add that to the airy, haunting quality of Ray's voice, and the exquisitely heartbroken lyrics and you're in store for one hell of a song.
I was particularly smitten by the last verse of this song. It's always fascinating to listen to people who've struggled their way through life talk. I've always been of the opinion that the things they have to say hold a little bit more weight then the statements of someone that's floated their way through nearly everything. I love a story with a scar behind it, and that's exactly the impression that I get listening to this verse. "i've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit, you kind of bore me."
I also feel a strange connection to the lyrics "I never learned to count my blessings, I choose instead to dwell in my disasters." Maybe it's just because they're so rad I want to write on them on the back of every dirty car I see, I'm uncertain. But rest assured that I will now be certain to count my blessings.

Ladies and gentlemen, Empty by Ray LaMontagne.

She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
And I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way ‒
So empty, so estranged?

And of these cut-throat busted sunsets,
these cold and damp white mornings
I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusted dime-store lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?
Lay your blouse across the chair,
Let fall the flowers from your hair
And kiss me with that country mouth so plain.
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves
To me it sounds like they're applauding us,
The quiet love we've made.

Will I always feel this way
So empty, so estranged?

Well, I looked my demons in the eyes
laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me.
You see, I've been to hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kind of bore me."
There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes, and some already dead that walk beside me
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well, it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fires inside me

Will I always feel this way
So empty, so estranged?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

this one's for believing, if only for it's sake.

So, I love that I haven't had a spare moment to write on this thing for at least two weeks. But at 3 in the morning I figure that I might as well do what I can. Winter Break was a huge success for me. It was nice to see a smattering of my friends.
I downloaded the Greg Laswell record because I really like the song "How the Day Sounds." It's a gorgeous ode to the morning. The first time that I heard it I was eating at Carl's Jr. for breakfast with my Grandparents on our way back to St. George, and I immediately knew that I had to get my hands on it. Everyone ought to like how the day sounds.
But anyway, that's not the song that I'm putting up here today. I heard this one on shuffle laying in the recklessly uncomfortable daybed that lives in my bedroom back in American Fork, and for some reason it really got to me. It's fantastic. Apparently Greg wrote this song as a little bit of an anthem for his family when they were going through a particularly hard time. By the time he was finished with it, though, his girlfriend no longer played the role that she previously had in his life. Therefore he added "this part was for her, does she remember?" 
I love this song specifically because it's an outreach to people who are struggling with different areas of their lives. People who don't try once, then try again, then get what they want, because lets be honest, how often does that actually happen? Most of the time we're let down again and again and sometimes you never get it it that you're searching for at all. 
When I was home I had a conversation about how frustrating it is to be surrounded by a group of people that don't understand you or the struggles that you're facing. But then he goes on to say "come on, friends, get up now. You're not alone at all."
In reality I think that everything in life comes and goes in waves. The irritating part is figuring out how to roll with the punches and ride those waves instead of drowning in them. 'Cause at the end everything will be fine, and if it's not fine, it's not the end.
This is "It Comes and Goes (In Waves)."


This one's for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time

This one's for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Come on, friends, get up now
You're not alone at all

And this part was for her
This part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves, i....

This one's for the faithless
The ones that aren't surprised
They're only where they are now
Regardless of their fight

This one's for believing
If only for it's sake
Come on, friends get up now
Love is to be made

And this part was for her
This part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves,
I'm only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves
I'm only led to wonder why
Why I try

This is for the ones who stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones who think they can

It comes and goes in waves,
I'm only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves
I'm only led to wonder why
Why I try

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Deck the Halls With Mistletoe, Let All Your Heavy Burdens Go

So each year as I get older, I've been finding myself increasingly irritated with Christmas. Honestly, I think that the biggest problem is my lack of ability to be excited about the whole thing. I used to spend weeks at a time with my friends hunting in our houses for our Christmas presents; trying to discover what they were. My mom just waves it infront of my face now. stop it mom. I wanna be surprised.
This has also been my first Christmas season away from my house. I got here on the 22nd, in the evening, and by that time Christmas was essentially over already. I realized the only time I'd even heard Christmas music was on commercials on the TV or when I was in the mall. Haha.
After the generalized family festivities on Christmas Eve, I spent the rest of the night on the roof of my old school. We watched the fog creep in around us and the lights from across the way that we could see when we first got there just kinda disappeared. We also found a blood-encrusted handprint on the wall? Awesome. Also, I have zero circulation in my body, just so you all know. And sometimes my ipod fights with me.
But all in all, what I'm trying to say is I guess that Christmas is what you make it.
So, Merry Christmas, here's to many more.
PS: I can't believe your engaged Stephanie Carlisle. Can't believe it. Can't. hahahaha I feel like we're still 16.

I made it through the year and I did not even collapse
Gotta say, "Thank God, for that"
I'm torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half
I'll fall apart or stay intact

With tired eyes I stumble back to bed
I need to realize my sorry life's not hanging by a thread
At least not yet

So look at me now
Its finally Christmas and I'm home
Head indoors, to get out of this weather
And I don't know how
But the closest friends I've ever known are all inside
Singing together
Singing merry Christmas, here's to many more

It always hurt to be all by myself this time of year
A cold and lonely Christmas eve
And living out my days alone
Well that had been my deepest fear
But you promised you won't leave 

I look towards the east and see a star
Jesus Christ, it's blessed my life to know just who you are
You are my hope

So look at me now
Its finally Christmas and I'm home
Head indoors, to get out of this weather
And I don't know how
But the closest friends I've ever known are all inside
Singing together
Singing merry Christmas, here's to many more 

Deck the halls with mistletoe
May all your heavy burdens go
Up the chimney in a cloud of smoke
The fire's burning bright
Strike up the band and play the tune
Cause Christmas will be here and soon
You'll hear our song in every room
This merry Christmas night 

Singing Merry Christmas, here's to many more

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

We Sleep Inside of This Machine

I didn't pick this song because I'm trying to offend anyone this Christmas Season. In reality, it's just a really good song. It's kinda been playing in my head for a couple days 'cause I was talking to one of my friends about it. The first time I ever sang this song around my house my mother almost shanked me with a butcher knife. Given, I was singing it under my breath and it probably just sounded like I was in the mood to be excessively offensive or something, but that wasn't the purpose at all. However, to be clear, this is not swearing.
Actually, this song is something of a letter to Jesus. I think every person in the world could relate to this song, if they took the time to listen to it instead of become instantly offended. We all know of the hymns that we sing in church on sunday, but they're all hopeful and praising. This song is a plea to Jesus without the hope and understanding. It's forlorn and confused, and gorgeous.
Everybody has days when they don't see the silver lining of every cloud. Everyone has days when their light is too slight to hold back all their dark. It'd be kinda ridiculous if we could all sing amazing grace everyday. I just think it's pretty neat that this writer was willing to go there. When so many people are just afraid of offending people by doing this exact thing.
I think some days people just feel bad. It happens to everyone. Everyone feels guilty for things that they've done and people that they've hurt. It's just particularly hard when you know you're screwing up and you still do it (this ship went down in sight of land).
In reality, I think we're all a little bit scared we'll get scared.
The goal, I suppose, is to put down the wood and nails. To not take up residence with the lifestyles of the people who (in essence) nailed Jesus to the cross.
The machine, to me represents the reality that we all live in. Sometimes we forget the need for anything but ourselves, and when you sleep inside of the machine, it just means that you don't even come out to go to bed. You have to step out of your little world, and recognize the big picture.
Don't sleep inside of the machine.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And we turn out hate in factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

Saturday, December 18, 2010

100 Things I've Learned

It's no secret that there will always be a hole in my heart that bleeds for you and you alone, Emmalynn. You were the first girl I've ever felt such a legitimate connection with, and the last one since. You're my soul sister. I hate the way that things went down with us. I great really irriatated looking back and how ridiculous I was being. The bottom line though, is that we were way too close to be able to make it as best friends and have boyfriends. Now looking back, it appears we may have made the wrong decision, seeing as we were both dating total douchers at the time, but I highly doubt we'd be the people we were today without said douchers.

The following is a list of 100 things I never would have learned without you. I could make a list of 1000, but my fingers already don't push it. haha

1: She reads.
2: When she really likes pictures that you draw of the both of you, she'll frame them and post them on her wall.
3: Secret bridges are good thinking places.
4: You can never have too much brownie batter.
5: It's okay to never get dressed.
6: Never underestimate the power of Guitar Hero
7: You will never beat Emma at Guitar Hero.
8: Getting stuck underneath a mattress is probably one of the funniest things that can happen to a person. probably
9: Sleeping in the same bed as your best friend twice a week is awesome.
10: Working for your best friends mom so that you can spend it all at hollister isn't a choice, it's a lifestyle.
11: Hollister ♥ clothes. smell. awesome.
12: Revamping eachothers myspaces in the wee hours of the morn = yes.
13: The wee hours of the morn.
14: Dye your best friends hair as often as you can. You'll miss it.
15: Sometimes you just have to order pizza.
16: By sometimes, I mean almost everyday.
17: Never underestimate the healing power of a conversation in a hot tub on a fridged January night.
18: Fridged.
19: There is no shame in adopting your best friend's mom's old bikini.
20: No...there is some shame.
21: Jace has a whore in his pants.
22: Gossip Girl is a weekly religious ceremony conducted in emma's room.
23: If we were a movie, we'd be secondhand lions. I'd be the angry one who likes to shoot fish.
24: I'd also be the one who flies the plane into the building when it's time to go. Emma would be the one who's just along for the ride, because we love eachother.
25: if love is an ocean wide, we'll swim in the tears we cried. we'll see it through to the other side. we're gonna make it.
26: Lobsters scream when you boil them.
27: Make out closets are imparative. Even if you don't make out in them.
28: Don't pick your arms.
29: Brownie Batter Ice Cream will make it go away.
30: If it doesn't, just come watch a movie.
31: When someone really loves, you, they'll donate their hollister bags for the transportation of your numerous items.
32: Nobody can lie together the way that Emma and McCall lie. Nobody
33: Sometimes its offensive to hold your best friends dog to the light.
34: There's always a song to describe how you feel.
35: There's always one line in the song that doesn't fit; thats always the one that we'll pay the most attention to.
36: Jacking recklessly expensive makeup from your parents spa is a lifealtering experience.
37: Getting your face peeled is also a lifealtering experience.
38: Sometimes, you just have to drive it out.
39: Panda Express is the answer, it doesn't really matter what the question is.
40: Mixes.
41: Pisser. Shocker. Flibbity Gibbit.
42: Never leave your best friend alone under a sandwich board with a guy who sees dead people.
43: There are very few things in life as valuable as walking with your favorite person in the world in the dead of night.
44: Friends that will lie to everyone to save your ass are hard to come by.
45: Semi to Moderately.
46: Getting your parents to let you go see Sweeney Todd may not be as easy as you think.
47: Sometimes, when you're having an awful 16th birthday, your best friend's mom will pick you up and take you to Emma at her play practice, so you can sit with her in the back and she can hold your hand.
48: fall is here. hear the yell. back to school. ring the bell. brand new shoes. walking blues. climb the fence. books and pens. i can tell that we are gonna be friends. yes, i can tell that we are gonna be friends. we don't notice any time pass. cause we don't notice anything. we sit side by side in every class. the teacher thinks that i sound funny, but she likes it when you sing.
49: Throw someones shoe out of the second floor window sometime. You'll like it.
50: Throw things in general, actually.
51: Make sugar cube castles.
52: Never go on a first date with a guy you hardly know when you're 15 unless Emma's there. And can call in her brother when it's awkward.
53: Sing. Always.
54: Write song quotes on every piece of paper that you come across.
55: That computer really doesn't fit on the counter in the kitchen, Emma's parents. Just a thought.
56: Boyles family game night is to be envied.
57: if you're gonna leave, well you better get going, 'cause i ain't wasting no more time on what i did and what i didn't.
58: Sometimes I can be awful.
59: There are very few things in life as comfortable as sitting on a recklessly expensive couch listening to Emma play the piano.
60: If Emma loves you, Emma will do anything for you.
61: Appreciate that.
62:Sometimes you have to remove yourself from the mormon culture in order to understand how judgemental you're being.
63: Once you're out, it's really hard to watch people tear your old best friend to pieces at your high school, even when you're not talking anymore.
64: Chicks before Dicks.
65: Church is kinda ridiculous with you around, kid. :)
66: goodbye my almost lover. goodbye my hopeless dream. i'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be?
67: Just because she won't sing, doesn't mean she can't.
68: Some people are just too fantastic to fit inside a box.
69: You were never second best.
70: Strawberries with sugar is about as good as it gets.
71: Toast is also acceptable in large portions.
72: Sometimes the things you'll find when you're cleaning the storage room will scare you into obsessive compulsive disorder.
73: yes. there really are relationships where you're laughing all the time. for years. at. a. time.
74: but the part of those relationships that you don't see is when you're crying for nights at a time. over your best friend. when youre 16 years old. and nobody gets it. not even you.
75: I'm getting in to you, because you got to me in a way words can't describe. I'm getting into you because i've got to be. You're essential to survive, I'm gonna love you with my life.
76: Never underestimate the combined comedic power of tall and skinny plus short and stout. It works for us. People cry.
77: Yes, we do have a phone baby. Named Boylersen.
78: Some wounds will always bleed. I still double take everytime I hear your name.
79: No, people reading this who aren't Emma and our associates, we're not lesbians.
80: You can't be best friends with someone unless you have the same shoe size. Accept this as a fact.
81: Sometimes potential boyfriends pose such a threat that you legitimately feel like WWIII just broke out inside your head.
82: Swing.
83: I've got my things. I'm good to go. You met me at the terminal. Just one more plane ride and it's done. We stood like statues at the gate, vacations come and gone too late. There's so much sun where I'm from. I had to give it away...had to give you away. and we spent four days on an island at your families old hotel. sometimes perfection can be, can be perfect hell. Perfect.
84: Never leave a friendship broken on a hotel floor in California. It's a long drive to fix it up again.
85: Sometimes we get peoples names henna'd on our backs. it's fine.
86: Sometimes we also break into abandoned houses and walk around.
87: It is, on occasion, entirely physically possible to text/converse with someone who is sitting right next to you for hours at a time.
88: Never judge a book by its ridiculous plot line...oh wait. Jodie Picoult? :)
89: On bed in Emma's basement is specifically crunchier than the other
90: I can make a particularly pregnant stomach sometimes in hotel rooms in chico, CA. Just saying.
91: Snow cones. are always. a go.
92: "You said i know that this will hurt, but if i don't break your heart then things with just get worse, if the burden seems too much to bear, remember: the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."
93: Sneakily assembling a computer in your bedroom is harder than it sounds
94: Nobody is perfect. Sometimes we lie, sometimes we cheat, sometimes we break each others hearts. Sometimes we move past it, and sometimes it means the end.
95: Regardless, I will always love you.
96: Bitch, I don't know your LIFE!
97: Taking naps on the same bed after a mutually bad day comes standard. In reality, it's kinda neat.
98: Meet the wiffins.
99: When friends become family, you're in for a disaster when things get messy.
100: My kids will know your name.

In conclusion your honor, I'm sorry for the things that happened between us. Our friendship was one huge hilarious event, and some days I sincerely just wanna pick you up and listen to roadtrip songs in my car. You are a beautiful, tiny, hysterical human being, and you will always have a special room in my heart of hearts. A room with a tivo, and pictures of us on the wall, of course.
I can't believe how our lives have turned out. I can't believe you're going to be a mother in a month and a half, but know that I have no doubts that child will be loved beyond anyones understanding. Please know that I'm never out of your reach, and I only wish the best for you, because you are the best of the best.

I spent forever trying to select a song, but in the end we both knew which one it was going to be.